EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

ROFL.

That has to be off the net and you didn't just type all that in there.

there is no way that is rue. do not liek tous about yoru ojb.

Originally posted by Diceman19
there is no way that is rue. do not liek tous about yoru ojb.

:eek :scratch :order :cheers :cheers :order :scratch :eek

Originally posted by Diceman19
there is no way that is rue. do not liek tous about yoru ojb.

Drink a little much there?

It's all good thoughy... Posting drunk kiscs ass.

In my handbook at work it says you can't read the newspaper or magazines in the bathroom. It's a waste of time. F that sh*t.

my handbook says stuff like dont kill people and dont burn the place down. your businesses suck.

I think that's been on the net since time began.

What's a handbook? :shrug

hahahah u have to f-ing shitting me...hahahahah made me remember Office Space...but hey it makes sence doesnt it? :)

Nice. At work our employer gets mad because we leave so many maxims and FHMs laying around in the bathroom. He keeps telling us to hang a magazine rack up on the wall.

my job is alot like the 1 in that post ... man i hate factory work or as the 1 dude said - mna i hate facorty wokr