*Not written by me, but true non-the-less*

This is a rant. Spelling and grammar Nazis beware.

Ten things I hate about local TV news:

1.)“Coming up next….” – a catchy headline that can easily suck you in to watching 30 minutes of bad reporting. This headline is announced just before every commercial break yet they don’t get to the story until the last few minutes. And when they do the story is so stupid you end up cursing at yourself – I missed a rerun of Seinfeld for this! I have to admit I still fall for this one occasionally.

2.) “The vague Michigan connection” - a lame attempt to connect us with every major catastrophe or event worldwide. Example: The roof collapses at a Costco in Rhode Island. What is the Michigan connection……some frumpy suburban housewife with a heavy Michigan accent and a perm has a sister who was shopping at that very Costco the day before. The reporter listens intently and nods as the lady describes her sister’s near brush with death.

3.) "The dumb-ass witness" - Possibly the most entertaining part of local news. They find some yocal who may or may not have seen the incident, but you get his incomprehensible story anyway. “he drove up dare see den turned around and came back to where I was standin’ at…. then started firin at the man, bam-bam bam see”. The best ones are from places like Melvindale or Taylor. Oh and don’t forget the brother who ends every sentence with “know what I’m sayin’”, know what I’m sayin’.

4.) "Live on location" - This is where they unnecessarily send a cameraman and a reporter to broadcast live on location. This is most ridiculous during the 11 o’clock news. Usually it’s a reporter standing in an empty parking lot in front of a sign. Example, earlier in the day Ford announces the layoff of 500 salaried workers. Where do they report this from, the empty parking lot in front of Ford headquarters at 11:10 PM while it is raining. Without that shot of the big blue oval I don’t think I would believe it. But man, they’re out there getting the story for us.

5.) "Weather sensationalizing" – 15 degrees isn’t cold enough for these idiots. They have to calculate the “real feel” “today’s high will only be 15 degrees but it will actually feel like minus 52” Their real feel is going to be lower than the other stations guaranteed, no one else has the Weatherforce Calculator II.

Same with snow accumulation. A few days before a snow storm the hype starts. At first it is 1 to 3 inches. The day before it changes to 4 to 6 and not to be outdone by other stations “we could be looking at 6 to 8 inches of snow”. This becomes THE story of the night, interviews with plow truck drivers, the State Police, ect. How will you survive Mother Nature’s fury? You usually wake up the next morning and guess what, an inch and a half of snow on your car, turn on the wipers and drive away. These idiots don’t get it. This is Detroit, it snows here in the winter.

This kind of sensationalizing can lead to………

6.) "The expert advice" - This can be tied in to a huge story like 1 to 3 inches of snow. They find some “expert”, a doctor, a coast guard officer or someone else with a title and have them give their advice on things like, how to avoid frostbite or how to keep warm. Remember exposed skin in freezing temperatures can lead to frostbite so wear gloves and a hat. The best ones are for weight loss. To lose weight, reduce calorie intake and exercise regularly. Fast food can be unhealthy so try to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables. Groundbreaking!

7.) File footage. Film footage to go along with their lame stories. This footage is rarely up to date and most of the time was filmed somewhere else for some other purpose. If you watch closely sometimes you can see things like a Pearl Jam concert shirt or acid washed jeans. The best ones are the ones for obesity. They always show fat people shot from the neck down holding things like ice cream cones or Doritos bags.

8.) The stupid poll - This is just plain filler. They come up with some poll or have some useless statistics like: 92% of 8th graders would rather play video games than do their homework or 77.3% of the U.S. workforce hates their job. Who fucking cares! This is always used with file footage.

8A.)"The recent study" - This is a variation of the poll or useless statistics but with the appearance of a little more credibility because it comes from “researchers in Belgium” or “a study by Southwest Delaware State University”. You can almost always file this under “well no shit”. These profound discoveries may include: Drinking while using power tools increases your risk of an accident by up to 60% or studies have shown that children who consume soft drinks with caffeine were less likely to have a restful nights sleep. The recent study is always accompanied by file footage.

9.)"The idiot behind the reporter making faces" - Enough said

10.)"The cant go up north this 4th of July because of gas prices" - This one always gets me. Every summer – surprise! , the price of gas goes up right before the holiday weekend. What does the news do? They go to a gas station and interview some loser through the window of his $35,000 F250.

“Will the high gas prices keep you home this weekend?” (The thing is this idiot wasn’t going anywhere anyway.)

“Just can’t afford it, with gas this high I gotta stay home”

The reporter shakes his head with sympathy and asks “ will the kids be disappointed?”

“yep” says the driver

Just once I want to see some reporter with the balls to say, “look dumb-ass, with gas 20 cents a gallon higher than last year it will cost you a whopping $19 more to go up north this year!…….why don’t you buy one less 12 pack of Bud Lite or skip the fireworks run to Ohio and go up north!”


Luckily I am just old enough to remember the good ole days when we had a news anchor who would get loaded and challenge the Mayor of Detroit to a boxing match. God how I hate local news.