Well 90% of the problem was the two white wires that attach to the positive terminal of the battery were just corroded enough to stop making contact. Cleaning all the terminals up with a wire brush fixed that.

I think either my multimeter is broken, or neither the Euro nor 2gnt plugs had any resistance across them. At any rate the coil checked out OK.

The last 10% of the problem (and why the car died after 4 mins) is because the gas cap turned out to be bad and the gas tank had evaporated. Yes I'm dumb.

I've got some bad misfiring/rough running action going on now I'm figuring out, but I'm guessing (praying) the injectors got clogged with bad gas goo.

On the upside, I killed 4 black widows in the engine compartment with WD40 and a lighter. Almost made a vfaq on that topic for the wiki but couldn't find the camera.

:wallbash all around. At least there's another 420a on the road now.